Posts Tagged ‘cranky’

The Early Winter Darkness

December 23, 2012

Like most of us, I’ve been stumbling around the past 9 or so days trying to figure out what went so horrifically wrong in Newtown on the 14th.  Of course there are not real answers, only ideas and some incredibly stupid suggestions (see the NRA). We talk about “a culture of violence” and other such random excuses (let’s face it, most of the world sees the same movies, plays the same video games and yet there isn’t a daily news story on a mass shooting).

Layered on top of the tragic chaos of Newtown, was the absolute insanity of the Mayan prophecy.  I received a text yesterday from my middle nephew “bummed the world didn’t end.” I laughed.  That guilty laugh that I remember from right after 9/11.   And a fleeting idea: maybe the Mayans were right.  My idealistic side hopes that maybe, just maybe we’ve reached the end of the finger pointing, blame games. The senseless acts of violence.  The culture of “it’s not my fault”. The community of self.

I thought about those in and around Newtown who are trying to find words when there are no words.  There are no answers.  I sat and thought for a moment, we created this.  We created this chaos. 

I’m not going to debate the merits of who should have a gun and who shouldn’t.  I don’t know why one person who was haunted by what must have been horrific demons killed 27 people before killing himself.  But as I sit in the darkness of the early winter, as we start to celebrate the coming of the light, I can’t help but think maybe it’s time to hope the Mayan’s were right.  That the world did end and we seized the moment to create a new one.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older.  Or maybe because I’ve spoken to my 6-7 year old nephew and nieces, but I found myself thinking, the true tragedy of Newtown would be to let it become like Columbine, Northern Illinois University, Virginia Tech, Puducah, Aurora, Portland and simply a news cycle.  The lives have been lost.  The dreams have been shattered.

It’s time for us to build a new world: one where six year olds doesn’t calmly explain to his aunt the emergency plan for each location of his school for fire, tornado and lock down.  It’s our time to lead.  We finally have to say enough is enough.

I don’t have the answers.  I’m not even sure I know all the questions.  I know I’m exhausted of news that simply brings more heartache.


Chronically Cranky

April 13, 2011

Today is one of those days. I have a list of things that I must get done (visitors en route!) and it’s raining.  Normally rain is something that is just a pain … today, the rain found every healed fracture line, unrepaired nick in my body and screams out stop.  Four or five days a year I’m like this. I can’t move.  I mean, I can move but every movement is that end of a long work workout feeling of moving a jelly like body through space. Every molecule hurts.

I suppose I should back up. Most days I hurt: hurt like smacking your knee cap into a metal post hurt.  Every day it’s not an “if” but “how much”.  Pain free? Oh, I’d pay. I’d pay. I’d pay for a week of pain-free.  Somebody a few weeks ago told me that “you’ve (meaning me) learned so much from your pain.” Seriously? Yeah, distance worked in this case: the person is still breathing and to my knowledge pain-free.  The entire medical system has not found a good answer to chronic pain.  Right now my very tender knee is wrapped in a brace with two non-narcotic pain patches, elevated and flexed in an attempt at least calm down my knee enough to get something done today.  I’ve had 31 orthopaedic surgeries. Yup. 31.  I’ve been poke, jabbed, prodded more than I care to think about most days (ok, really any day).

And today I just hurt.  The cold rain hurts.  Pain is the way our body tells us pay attention.  And I’m tired of trying to find something to at least make the pain manageable. My body feels mangled.  I really just want a day without pain.